When the Need for Security Goes Too Far

In relationships (of all sorts), there can often be a clash between one person’s need for security and the other person’s need for full expression.  This difference in needs can cause tension or it can be a unifier.

When one partner’s need for security is ruled by fear, the other partner suffers–especially when that fear is allowed to snuff out the dreams of both people.

There are many ways that the need for security can be out of balance and dampen vitality.

As entrepreneurs, Vj and I know a lot of other entrepreneurs who have varying degrees of success.  This path is not for the lighthearted!  It takes a person who has tenacity, fortitude, and patience.  Dan Sullivan calls himself “the overnight sensation, 10 years in the making” because it took that long for him to “make it.”

Often, an entrepreneur’s mate will not understand the lunacy that drives us to make mistakes, go through lean times, and keep going forward.  Dan Sullivan has two divorces as a result of the discord that it can cause.

Vj has recently given me appreciation for standing by him during times of uncertainty.  I made a decision some time ago to allow him to go forward and pursue his dream.  This decision resulted from watching how when he worked for others his spirit withered and he thrived when he worked on his own projects.

I will be frank: it was not easy.  I wanted to tell him to work.  I wanted to tell him what to do, especially on those days when in my eyes, he was wasting time.

During those times, I returned to my decision: “maybe later, but for now, let him do what he needs to do.”  That was what my faith looked like: “maybe later…”

I did have faith, it was tested by my deep instinctual need for security, but I allowed trust to carry me and as a result, I have a happy husband and his businesses are thriving!

This security/appreciation dynamic can appear in other realms as well.  One of my teachers thanks her husband’s ex-wife for her happy marriage.  The former wife nagged the husband (out of fear and insecurity) about his motorcycle riding.  Her fears took the shape of disapproval and disdain so they divorced and he is now with my teacher who appreciates his passion.

I have seen many entrepreneurs go back to the work force beaten.  Often times, they are beaten by pleas to “produce” money.  Eventually, their loyalty to their partner “wins” and they go back with dreams unfulfilled. This is a complex topic that deserves further discussion.

I don’t know what is best for others; I do know that in my marriage, I would rather be broke and see my husband happy in his projects.  Gratefully, we stuck it out until he prospered!

Your Assignement:

Take a look and see where your fears rule you. Look a little deeper and see some of the ways that you impose your fears (subtly or not) on others.  This can be a very humbling and FREEING exercise.  It is not for people who wish to remain stuck in old patterns.  It is for those who wish to live a fully realized life.  That said: BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF and be as sweetly forgiving to yourself as you would be a friend.  Keep up your good work!


One Response to “When the Need for Security Goes Too Far”
  1. Elena says:

    Interesting. You know, I’ve been married twice. My first husband did not have a steady job. He was good at what he did, but he kept quitting or getting fired and blamed others. He was not good with money, and would juggle finances back and forth to pay the bills. It stressed me out a great deal, and I think that with that kind of person, there would be no way on god’s green earth that I would be comfortable with them “following their dreams.” On the other hand, my second husband was very responsible with money. He would work for a year, live frugally and save a ton of money, all the bills would be paid, then he’d take a year off and pursue his dream to be a film maker. I never worried about this. I would keep working, and all the bills were paid. I encouraged him to pursue his dreams, in some cases I pushed him, even. So I guess if I trust my partner there’s no issue. If I don’t, however, forget it. His dreams can go to heck. Of course, if I don’t trust him, there’s all kinds of other issues going on at the same time, aren’t there?

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