What to do when things CHANGE!

Sarah Vblog

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Change is inevitable, and even when we invite it in, like in planning a family or moving to another state, we can sometimes be naïve about what tolls transitions can take on us.

We must also remember that we each process change differently, too.

I know a number of couples who have recently had babies.  Some of their complaints are universal and also quite simple.

The overarching problem seems to be that, when a new child arrives (or other massive “project”), both parents have to go into sacrifice mode.  They now need to do a lot more work to bring in money, keep the baby happy and fed, and keep home and work running smoothly.

When we go into sacrifice mode, we need appreciation.  Lots of it.  We often shift from the giving energy of selfless service into depletion, which creates taking energy.

What that means is, we begin gathering evidence of how much I am doing and how little they are doing.

The new baby (or new home, etc) cannot express appreciation and gratitude.  Our partner can, but if they are in the same depletion-boat, they are in taking mode, too and are also gathering evidence to support the opposite argument.

Appreciation is the antidote.  It is also a way of being as opposed to doing.

The fact is, in these times, everyone has to do more than what may feel “fair.”  My father always used to say, “No one ever said that life was fair.” This statement felt very unfair when I was a kid, but he was attempting to do me a kindness by setting realistic expectations for me!

In general, everyone processes change differently.  A woman may wonder how her husband can leave the baby for hours at a time (or even longer if he travels for work).  She has likely been breast-feeding so has incredible amounts of oxytosin, the bonding hormone, coursing through her veins.  Biology is a powerful force that is often overlooked.

He, on the other hand, may unconsciously tune in to the provider drive and feel the need to be out in the world establishing financial security for inside of the home.

These are two very powerful biological differences.  Under the surface, there are millions of even subtler programs running that are implanted by families, communities, genes, and more.

Other big projects can trigger similar responses.  These roles can be reversed and also exist in same sex couples.

What we must do in these transitional times is breathe, pause and find out what we really need, express it, and release it.  Make sure that you are able to take care of yourself, and then see how you can tackle the problems of feeling unsupported or depleted together as a team.

Your Assignment:

Shower one another with appreciation when you reunite at the end of the day.  Take turns thanking each other for all the things that you notice and add blanket appreciation for things that you haven’t actually seen.  Fully receive your partner’s appreciation and love.  Reciprocate and repeat!

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