What Have You Been Willing to Put Up With?

Too often people are willing to settle for someone who is not a good match for them because they believe that there are no good partners.  Their belief reduces their happiness to a very narrow world of possibility.  If one believes in lack of possibilities, as opposed to abundance, then that is the only thing that they will be able to experience. 

The realization from taking this step can be humbling.  We begin to identify some stark limiting beliefs that have designed our failure and heartache. Continue to shine the light on the darkness with compassion for yourself.  Remembering that we all do the best we can with the tools we have at the time.  Give yourself the same tolerance you would a dear friend who was having a transformation.

Limiting beliefs are tricky and sometimes hard to identify.  If you find yourself stuck, simply keep moving forward and know that you may return to this work anytime you are ready to tackle a new obstacle.

Our limiting beliefs are not created from circumstances or events.  They result from the meaning that we created from the event.  Other people do not cause our pain, although they may be a stimulus, it is our reaction to the event or circumstance that creates our suffering.

For example, if a father yelled at his daughter, she could have created the meaning: “I am bad, naughty, or undeserving of love.”  Likewise, if your former was unable to show up in a mindful way, the manufactured meaning could be: “I am unworthy of a loving mate.”

Limiting beliefs create a self-perpetuating reality.  For example:

If I put up with being yelled at, it means that I believe that I deserve to be yelled at. One condition begets the other.  Lack of self-love creates unfulfilling relationships.  In turn, unfulfilling relationships erode self-love.  It is a vicious cycle that anyone can reverse if they are willing to do the work and move forward.

All relationships are a reflection of what we believe we deserve. How have you in the past upheld limiting beliefs about your self? You can use the example above and substitute the words “being yelled at” with any of the unsatisfying patterns that you have found from your own past.  This practice allows you to begin to see where you have been selling yourself short.

Use this model to expose your limiting beliefs for exactly what they are:

“If I put up with ________ behavior, it means that I deserve _______ behavior.”

For example:

If I put up with being yelled at, it means that I deserve being yelled at.

To expand this:

If I put up with emotional unavailability, it means that I haven’t believed that I deserve a fully present partner.

Once you have identified some limiting beliefs, you may ask yourself: “Is the loss of my integrity the cost of preserving fake harmony?” This tricky status quo compels us to endure standards that reside outside of our integrity simply to uphold these misguided beliefs.  What lengths have you gone to in order to live within these old beliefs?

In an earlier article, we discussed using yelling as a communication tool.  Now we are examining where you may have put yourself in harm’s way out of fear of being alone.   You will want to examine some of the behaviors, characteristics, and attitudes that are commonly endured for the sake of maintaining a constant source of attention, affection, or approval and identify inconsistencies. Watch for patterns that resonate with you.

A very common complaint is the case of a partner who is unwilling to commit or is emotional unavailable. This can include subtler demonstrations such as being unwilling to spend time with family or friends, or other things that may be important to you.

Your Assignment:

Upon reflection, did any of your former partners drink excessively, degrade you, condescend you, or relentlessly tease you?  Have your past partners looked good on paper but in reality never materialized as you had hoped?  Another common experience is repeatedly watching how others act outside of integrity and then expect them to change their habits.  We must allow our mate’s actions to speak louder than their words. The key is balance.  Moving from denial into allowing takes practice and awareness.  We neither want to police someone’s actions neither do we want to constantly overlook someone’s shortcomings (if they are dealbreakers). As we become more aware, we begin to perceive funny-business much earlier and from father away and have more compassion for human foibles. We can take more skillful care of ourselves, convey our needs more clearly and detach from the things that are not important.
 

Comments

2 Responses to “What Have You Been Willing to Put Up With?”
  1. Deb says:

    Excellent article, a lot of great food for thought. I firmly believe that actions do speak louder than words but I have been so guilty of not paying attention to them, or blowing them off, making up excuses for the behaviour, rather than listening to my instincts. I am worth so much more than I have been receiving and it is time to learn from the past and NOT let it happen again.

  2. Kay Lorraine says:

    I’ve been willing to put up with a lot. I have friends who are actually angry that I stay married to my husband, They think that it is because I am afraid that no one else will want me. They couldn’t be more wrong. It’s because I don’t want anyone else.

    What is acceptable to some women is appalling to others. There are no perfect relationships. I used to think I had a perfect partnership. Then, down through the years, he slowly stopped doing anything around the house. I used to think I had a perfect lover. The he started taking a prostate medication and now he doesnt’ want to “start anything he can’t finish.” so to speak. I used to think I had a perfect relationship. Then I found out about Lin. Bummer. But we got past it and now I have a perfect best friend. (OK, not “perfect” but very, very good.) It could be worse.

    When I find something I want more, maybe I’ll leave. But after 45 years of being with my best friend, my sexual fantasy, the love of my life and the handsomest man I’ve ever known, I’m still not ready to leave.

    I guess what I’m willing to put up with is all of the parts that, in the end, add up to less than the good stuff that I still love. Others would disagree. It’s different for everyone.

    I’ll bet you didn’t expect to get a response this open and honest, did you?

    Kay Lorraine
    Honolulu, Hawaii

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