Unified Couple’s Values Part 1

As we start to fall in love, we are often excited to see how many small things that we have in common. These can be interests, hobbies, and aspirations etc. They are found in the outside world. This part is fun and exciting. However, we often miss seeing if our true core values, the unwritten rules that guide our every action, are also aligned. These values reside in the inner-world and are our motivators. Sometimes interests may expose a value, for example: skydiving, the activity, can illustrate the value of ADVENTURE but sometimes skydiving might actually be born of the value REBELLION! We want to look at what drives us and see how we overlap our values with our mate.

Often, we are so distracted by the excitement of falling in love, we forget to really look at what is truly important to us and determine how aligned we are with these core values. Here is the problem; people start their intimate relationships without actually defining what is critically important to them. Then two people who seem to have so much in common later find that there are key factors missing or being neglected for one or both people. For example, I have worked with a couple that is very interested in personal growth. For the man, it is a CORE VALUE, something that drives many of his daily actions. For the woman, it is an INTEREST only. She enjoys growth but does not feel compelled to go out of her way for it on a daily basis. Since they shared it as a common interest, the husband was confused and frustrated that his wife was not as motivated for self-development. In turn, his wife couldn’t understand why he was so annoyed and was causing disharmony. Once they realized the level of importance that growth was held by each other, they were able to meet where they intersected, at interest. Then the husband knew he could always invite his wife to participate in growth without expectations and she was free to accept the invitation when it was of interest to her. This ended the confusion and frustration for each of them.

This process took Vj and I quite some time to get through. And years later, we are finding that we want to rearrange them a bit. We review them every date night they are part of a ritual that we do to leave the day behind and transition into connected and loving.

Your Assignment: Set some time aside with your mate and review the following questions:

What matters most to each of us individually?
What matters most to us collectively as a unit?
Where do we need to communicate our needs in order to have harmony or overlap?

As you start to reveal the answers to these questions, you will find that you have a guide for your actions within the relationship. Part 2 is coming up so keep this homework handy. Remember that it takes time and let me know how it goes!

Please join me for my free Webinar for Loving Couples REVEALED: The SECRETS to the Most Connected and Powerful Relationship on Wednesday March 10, 2010 6pm PST.


One Response to “Unified Couple’s Values Part 1”
  1. Kathi Browne says:

    Great points, Sarah. You really nailed down how couples should examine their individual core values before jumping in with both feet. Hey, I noticed your webinar is announced as Tuesday March 10. Should that say Wednesday, March 10?

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