Breaking Up with Consciousness

When reviewing the objects of past hurts or grudges, we can release others to have their experience and then can support them from afar. What that often means is that you leave them alone.  Too many times the agitated or “monkey” mind will try to trick you into thinking that you must actively take care of or contact them.  Often, giving them the dignity of their experience means allowing them to be exactly who they are and where they need to be for lessons that we cannot see.  This can be excruciatingly difficult to practice. 

Years ago before we were married, my husband Vj and I broke up.  During that break,  I wanted so badly to contact him and my highest good asked me to wait.  I needed something more tangible than waiting impatiently.  I wrote loving emails to myself and left loving voicemail messages on my phone.  I redirected the love that I had previously expended on him to myself and I also satisfied the urge to pick up the phone or email him with that practical action. 

Taking care of myself and allowing him the dignity of his experience gave us both space to become more of who we actually are so that when we reunited, we did so very healthfully. 

I had done this before with relationships that never did reconcile.  Those actions helped me to release both the cast of characters and the stories into the benevolent hands of the universe.  With these practices, I saw that my curiosity about how my formers were doing did not matter.  Within moments, taking care of myself assuaged the urgent need to reach out and harm myself or others.

This lesson was hard fought.  In the past, I had done the opposite with heartbreaking results.  Each contact that I made was under the guise of good intentions, wanting to make certain that they were doing all right.  I later learned that there was no dignity in that practice.  Each time, going into it, I felt like it was a good idea.  But then after making contact, I always felt lousy.

I learned that I must take care of myself and let him take care of himself.  I was neither qualified nor invited to take care of anyone but myself.

“People come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.” Gurmukh Kaur Khalsa

I had to watch out for blame when relationships, of any nature, disintegrated.  This was tricky, since it was the default response!  I began to realize that blame was poisonous and only harmed myself.

When Vj and I broke up after being together for one year, we were both very hurt and surprised.  The day after we broke up, I went to an all day meditation retreat and wept and breathed. That night, I volunteered at a shelter to show myself that I could be in far worse shape than I was.  The day that Vj moved out of our home, I stayed at a friend’s place all day until he was finished. 

It was very hard for me to stop engaging with Vj, who was my best friend, however, I needed to take care of myself and get some breathing room.  We had no contact for six months.

I was sad and confused but placed blame aside.  I knew that blame was not the answer.  I did not know the answer, but placing myself in the role of victim would have been a disaster.

Heartbreak at the end of a relationship is very confusing.  Remember, that we are at our worst when we are heartbroken or suffering through a breakup. Bitterness comes from the victim consciousness.  The victim’s sentiment is: “They did that to me.” 

All relationships are two way street.  When lost in the victim consciousness, there is only one role that you can play–victim.  And you will attract either another victim, or a perpetrator.  Whether or not they do perpetrate, is not the question, because the victim consciousness is a filter through which all relationships are seen.

I met a man who had a tattoo of a street name on his arm.  He got the tattoo at the end of a relationship to commemorate the time that the pair had lived together on that street.  He had no desire to relive the past or to interfere with her current life, he merely wanted to honor their time and allow it to pass. 

This is a more uplifted expression of a past relationship than we normally see.  There is an entire industry of t-shirts, bumper stickers, jewelry, and other popular culture items that promote the victim and bitterness standard.  We can become aware of this tendency and ask ourselves: “What am I going to be?  A victim or a warrior?”

Your Assignment:

Review any bitterness or regret that you might have from your past.  Can you reframe it to allow the “perpetrator” to become your teacher?  What valuable lessons did that person teach you?  Can you release them to a bigger picture of which you are unaware?

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