Are you upset with someone?

Whenever we are upset with someone else, we are also upset with the self.  There are many manifestations of this.

Just recently, I came to another level with this.  I had been looking inside and wondering why an old hurt still bothered me.  Instead of letting it sit on the surface, I went into the discomfort and boy, was it uncomfortable.  I was mentally squirming all over the place.

What my gripe was that I was let down by someone.  I knew that if that bothered me so much, there was an old hurt that was playing out.

There was!

I hated being let down and by allowing myself to feel the hurt, I saw where I HAD BEEN LEETING OTHERS DOWN!  And here I thought that I was such a good friend.  All of a sudden. I saw where I had been flaky and out of integrity and it floored me.  I did not make it better or worse than it was, simply shined the light and took a look.

By allowing myself to reside there for a moment—which seemed like an eternity—I got to see why I let others down—If I let them down first, then I would be protected from them letting me down.

This was huge!

And it was subtle.  Because I have done a lot of work on myself, I saw that small things like postponing a return call or rescheduling a commitment was letting others down.

I was acting outside of my integrity and that hurt myself and others.

Here are two very common ways that we erode self-trust:

1. Acting outside of our integrity—When we do little things like committing to something but then reneging, it erodes trust.  This is super common and is not looked at as a big deal because we all make ourselves so time sick—it has become a cultural agreement that we are so “busy” that we let it slide when others flake because we need to do it too.  However, there is a very subtle erosion of trust when one says that “I’ll do it” and then doesn’t show.

2. Failing to get enough information—this one is really tricky, especially in this culture where we often have sex, then get to know each other.  Often we date someone who looks good on paper, but in reality, is not a good match.

We project onto others what we want them to be and ignore what they are.

We all do it!  The trick is that we want to be aware of when and where we do it, and as my friend says, name it and claim it!

We can over commit or commit before getting enough info to make an informed decision.

This is fertile ground for fanning the flames of self-anger.  But then we bury it and get mad at the person that we committed to—blaming them because they tricked me!

Then we are mad at ourselves for committing too soon, or without the right info.   “I got tricked and should know better!” Is a common self-admonishment phrase.

The victim role is easy, but debilitating.  If others are the problem, we are screwed!  Making ourselves the villain is also a no-win situation.  The answer lies in responsibility without blame.  We are far more powerful than we give ourselves credit.  Let’s take some of that power and create an active and beautiful dynamic!

Your Assignment: Where have you been angry at someone?  Are you secretly holding yourself to blame?  Can you get real about what you are (and aren’t) responsible for so that you can create a new way of being?  How can you do things differently going forward?


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